| The Onion Songs |
| Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze |
| Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay |
| Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism? |
| Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers |
| USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family |
| Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction |
| Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve |
| Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate |
| Restoration Of 'Star Spangled Banner' Uncovers Horrifying New Verses |
| New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products |
| O-SPAN Classic: CIA Accidentally Overthrows Costa Rica |
| Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures |
| In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit? |
| Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody |
| U.S. To Offer Platinum-Plus Citizenship |
| Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile |
| TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults |
| Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash |
| Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline |
| Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa |
| Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer |
| Binge Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine |
| Fat Man Killed In Wicker Chair Disaster |
| How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side |
| Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises |
| Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk |
| Onion Radio News For Kids |
| U.S. Fat Reserves Full |
| Nightlight Fails To Stop Monster |
| Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face |
| United Nations Condemns Inhumane Tourist Traps |
| Burger King Unveils New Low-Fat Cashier |
| Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend |
| Swiss End Neutrality Toward Delectable Pastries |
| Today Now!: How To Thrust Your Fat Into A More Appealing Shape |
| Miss Nude America Loses Title After Appearing Clothed In 'Woman's Day' |
| Future: News From The Year 2137 Trailer |
| PepsiCo Marketing Mix-up Results In Lemon-Lime Doritos |
| Report: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Eat Another Bite |
| Night Watchman Keeps Jay Leno Under Close Surveillance |
| Lucky Dead Student Gets Own Page In Yearbook |
| Hopeless Romantic Beaten Up By Coworker's Husband |
| Party Guy Finds Party Wife |
| All-Natural Food Preservative Causes All-Natural Cancer |
| U.S. Changes Motto To 'America…We're Gonna Make Ya Smile' |
| Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author |
| Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments |
| Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings |
| Pollster's Wife 'Somewhat Dissatisfied' With Her Marriage |
| Stoned Underage Drunk Driver Calls America A Fascist Police State |
